The whole relationship saga is getting more interesting and complicated by the day. The rate at which baby mamas and daddies are springing up these days; we have not finished dealing with finding a faithful and loving partner, we now have to deal with very big concerns like if they have a child. You meet one cool guy/girl and you getting to know them, the next thing they tell you is that they have a child. Please, what would you do?
A lady found out someone she had being dating for about three months had two teenage kids. She confronted this dude and the next thing he said was ‘you didn’t ask me’. Oh boy! That dude has liver ooo. How would a girl you are dating figure out somewhere in her head that you not only have one child but two and you would still have the guts to say such, I was weak when I heard it. Instead of him to give a better excuse like waiting for the perfect time or not knowing how to mention it, which still wouldn’t have justified his act the dude went all defensive. I envisage us getting to the point where you meet someone and you don’t only ask if they have a child, you would simply ask how many children they have. Its getting that bad.
An interesting thing is, this can happen to anyone. I was talking with a decent lady some time ago and she mentioned she had a son. For a moment I was shocked, but she went on to explain the situation and I could see reasons with her. It was a mistake and the relationship didn’t work out, so it was best to go their separate ways rather than try to mend what had broken in different pieces. Their relationship might have also affected the child too for all we care. Also, the fact that someone has a child does not mean he/she isn’t a good person, it just happened that they had made a very costly mistake.
As it seems, there is an alarming increase in the number of people with kids than it used to be and we cannot eradicate the chances of meeting one or two of these people. But the concerns surrounding it cannot go unnoticed. First, people see it as the chances of getting someone to marry you and accept your child is really low as it is already bad for single ladies without kids, and the way people would judge you is on another level. Then we would now add the family of the person who would eventually accept you, if their own family would allow them to marry you, and if they would accept the child is another story entirely. Our parents don’t make these things easy for us either. Also, if your parents don’t judge your partner, be sure that one aunt or uncle won’t just let you be. So it begs the question, can you marry someone who has a child?
Let me personally take a stand on this. Ideally, I really don’t mind if you have a child, I don’t have anything against it whatsoever, it’s a child for Christ’s sake, God’s gift but then again I would look at it this way. First, I would play it out to my own advantage. It’s pretty sure for me to consider certain things since I already like the guy in question so much that I would be willing to accept the baggage he has. But I would not fail to find out the following:
- What is the relationship between him and his child? Does he care for and support the child? Is he very much in the child’s life? That way you can say how fatherly he can be and how responsible too.
- The relationship he has with the child’s mother, is it healthy or tacky? Why are they not together in the first place? Is the reason justifiable and understandable?
- How does the baby mama feel about me and her child? Is she causing issues that would bring unnecessary drama?
- Are there chances they might want to come back together?
- What was his first reaction when he learnt he was going to have a child? Did he ask for an abortion? (This would show his values and beliefs).
- Who does he place as priority in his life at the moment? Is it the baby mama or me?
- How does he manage all three of us- the child, me and the baby mama? Am I getting undivided attention that would mean I should just carry my bag and leave? Does he ensure the child and baby mama respect me?
- Am I also willing to accept, love and care for the child as my own?
- Has the child in question accepted me as someone who is important in his life? No matter how little the baby is, you want them to love you so they don’t grow up acting rude towards you.
- Would my family and relatives be willing to accept the child wholeheartedly?
- What happens in case of death, are there going to be inheritance issues? This is especially if the child is a boy, trust we Igbos (in short everywhere), that’s when you would know that having the first male son is important irrespective of anything else.
This is my take on this for now. Sometimes you really don’t know what you would do until you are in that situation especially when the person has proved himself/herself worthy of your love. However, would you date or marry someone who has a child?