Lately I have been bothered about this institution called marriage. Growing up it was one of the things I looked forward to; like most people know, I am a dreamer, so marriage happened to be one of the things I fantasized about. Now I am all grown up and marriage scares me. I still want to get married but the stories out there are so fear-provoking. News of failed marriages and divorces are everywhere even though there are still good marriages. The stories I hear of how couples live with constant quarrels, deceit, abuse, malice and resentment leaves me terrified.
I was at a wedding over the weekend where I met a very beautiful young lady; we got talking, first about the activities at the wedding and then to marriages. She made this statement ‘if you think you have ticked all the boxes, done your due diligence and are sure its real love things just happen somehow’. I was quick to say ‘yeah’ like I totally understood, but clearly not enough.
My now new friend said ‘oh! I can’t wait for you all to get married’ (I was with two of my friends) and I’m like ‘I think yours should come first’ and she spilled the milk by saying she had two kids already. I was shocked because she didn’t have any ring on plus she looked young and not one to have given birth at all. I asked her about her marriage and she said she was divorced and what followed next was ‘and I will never ever get married again’. That sounded too harsh but definitely not as compared to what she might have been through. At that moment the statement hit me ‘if you think you have ticked all the boxes, done your due diligence and are sure its real love things just happen somehow’.
Quite obviously a lot of things happen in marriages and couples have different ways of covering up, but the extent to which things happen underneath and what people do to keep their marriages is something most singles might not understand now. A clear case of a lady who has six kids and whenever she picked up an argument with her husband he would just carry his stuff, leave the house and won’t return for weeks or a month. She said this happens in just a twinkle of an eye, like he already had the bag packed somewhere just waiting for that moment. So you can imagine what she would have to tell her six children, friends and family who cared to ask about the whereabouts of her husband, with her not even knowing his location. So she learnt quickly not to raise issues or complain about anything, she bottled things up and accepted things as they were for fear of him disappearing.
There are so many stories like that, worse cases too, the most amusing I heard was a story of a couple who got married and just two weeks after, the man sought for divorce. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, what could have happened in those two weeks, they courted for a couple of years so what changed? So I’m here thinking to myself how you love someone so dearly, get married to them, have issues and then hate them so much after a while you wish you never knew them.
It’s so frightening that I get cold feet just thinking about it. You think you know someone to a reasonable extent and the person totally turns out to be a stranger after the wedding. What must have happened along the line, what did one of them do wrong? How can we avoid stories like this? The first thing that comes to mind is to pray about it, but are we saying these couples didn’t pray about it.
Are we now going to blame the devil on this too; I am so worried, I so badly want to get it right as with everyone reading this, have the ups and downs, the joys and sorrows, the good and bad times, the laughter and tears, but then I want us to stick together through it all.
I don’t know if I’m the only one terrified about this, are you? Do you think about concerns like this too? Does it make you freak out sometimes and just say ‘not sure I can do this marriage thing’. It crosses my mind a lot and if you are like me, just know you are not alone, I am in this with you and together we would conquer.