What screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be. (I think this sums it up). I read somewhere (I need to start saving links of where I read stuff, its because I write them and publish weeks after. Apologies.) that we fall in love or get attracted to people whose image we have created in our head. Such that, if you have imagined your ideal partner to look a certain way pertaining to height, complexion, and physique, you would be more drawn to people like that rather than the people of opposite characteristics.
The writer also says that the gap between your ideal partner and your internal image is where pain lives and I can’t agree any less. This means that we have to let go of our ideal image and embrace the reality of what we have because your ideal mate does not exist.
As painful as that seems, many of us create this list of traits or characteristics we want our ideal partner to have but the truth is, we let this list get in the way of our judgement and end up with nothing.
The partner we want is often based on what fits our individual and societal profile of how people would judge us or what we think are the ideal characteristics a partner should have rather than how the person treats us and makes us feel. We make an unconscious judgement of how they speak, their height, where they are from, schools they attended, where they work, the kind of family they are from, even the kind of friends they have to the cars they drive and all sorts.
Affirmatively speaking, I can say that a lot of people are single because they are still in search of finding that ideal partner. You know when you still think that you have time and can still wait to get the best person out there even when you know deeply that there is someone close by who is sweet in the very word of it but just doesn’t fit into the image you want. That’s the lie many of us live in and its quite unfortunate.
Relationship happiness depends not on finding the perfect mate but rather the best available one – Daniel Conroy-Beam.
Something that got me thinking from a much older lady, she said ‘the more you wait, the more likely you will get your tall, dark and handsome for ladies and whatever guys like; but the unfortunate thing is that s/he will still not come perfect, there are still traits he will not have that you wish you married someone back then who had the traits but maybe not the perfect look’. I couldn’t stop wondering about that statement. Perhaps it’s the damn truth.
I think you can work on people to some extent by making them a better version of themselves. If there is a sweet guy or lady somewhere, work on them, if you need them to dress a certain way or behave more appropriately, learn to accept them and try to influence their methods positively.
‘We waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love’ – Tom Robbins
Personally, I have started to see things differently, not that I never knew the important things to look for in a spouse but at the time they still mattered to me as finding the prince charming who would blow me off my feet, but guess what I want more than all that from a spouse. I am personally working on my psyche to refrain from looking only at the ideal image I have created in my head but opening my mind to see beyond that and to make the best decision out of all my available choices.
This doesn’t still mean I would rush into it and not wait for a more ideal suitor but then the person I would eventually pick would have to be someone who is suited for me, someone who understands my love language and is in accord with my personality and one with whom I can create a functional harmony with. Bear in mind that I would not make unnecessary compromises but I will find a reasonable balance.
Take a look around you and ask what is happening to couples whom we thought looked good together and were the absolute perfect match. My point is, it goes way beyond the physical. If your basis for finding the ideal partner is based on the looks alone or compulsorily, then it’s not good enough; but if s/he comes with the traits that are important to you plus the looks, then cheers to you, but don’t make the non-important things count. The beauty/physique wont matter much after many years in marriage.
The most inspiring story is that of Nick Vijucic and his wife, Nick never thought he would ever find someone to love him because he has neither arms nor legs. He felt since other guys looked better than he was because they were complete, why would anyone want him. But guess what, Nick not only found a girlfriend, he found a lover and wife. Watch his story here.
So refrain from looking for the ideal image and open your mind to the possibilities around you, we are all flawed in some ways and might not be the ideal partner to the one we think is the ideal partner for us.
What do you think? Do you agree with me?
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